#8

One of the hundreds of reasons I really dislike my new life. This is #8.
Forced joy. I hate the fact that joy used to come so easily in my old life. All I had to do was wake up and look to the left of me. Now I have to force it 70% of my day. Everyday was a beautiful day, we loved our life together. It was so joyful. It stinks I’ve gotta force what used to come so natural to me.
But I have 30% of my life that’s still beautiful mainly because of my sweet baby girl and the most wonderful friends/ family a girl could ask for.
Maybe in time the numbers will shift. Until then ill be getting thru each day with the help of a small glass of wine each night..
Cheers to 30% it’s better than nothing.
( dang it I’m annoyed I’m even cheering for 30%!)

S-l-e-e-p

Sleep is a 5 letter word that I no longer have in my vocab. So much in fact that I recently googled images of what it looks like.
Haven’t had more the 2 consecutive hours in weeks. Thank you,lovely daughter and my own messed up head right now.
So if you see me walking thru the halls, do not fear. It is not the zombie apocalypse and your face will not be torn to shreds.

“I love zombies . If any monsters could riverdance it would be a zombie “- Craig Ferguson.

Don’t touch the locket..

Grief is a confusing emotion. One foot in the past the other stepping into your new future. You grip so tightly to anything the represents that person. I wear his earrings everyday, wedding band on my thumb, his side of the bed is sacred, a locket a wear with some of his ashes, the list goes on and on of what I do to feel close to Jason.

The locket I wear isn’t the typical “ashes” locket. I felt like I should be casting a spell wearing one of those, the ones with the cork…
So when a coworker decides to open the locket because she thought she would see a pic…. Well the rest is comically mortified history.
I guess part of healing is remembering to laugh. I might have just healed a little today.

Dating after the f-up thing that just happened to you.

At 34 my husband died from leukemia. When you loose someone so young,You have to try and pick up the pieces, anyway you can, find a new path for yourself . I’m young and freaking lonely.
So here’s my attempt to figure out what dating looks like after 10 years..
Started talking to very hot, 38 year old dad of 3. Irish, tattoos, sweet.
I thought omg I’ve been out of game so long, don’t know what my single friends are complaining about, this isn’t bad at all.
Day 1… All the kids have different moms.
Day 2.. Someone still lives at home with his parents, 2 years after his divorce.
(Would have ran here, but I’m a sucker for tattoos and an Irishman)
Day 3… Someone has 2 DUI and has been in jail.
Day 4… Someone takes the bus and wonders why this might all be too much for me.
Honestly why did he even put himself out there, are there women that want this?
I knew my journey was going to be a long hard one, but shit this is just plain mean.